Lunch with Dr. Grosser

The first black hole discovered by humanity was at CERN. Not as a result of an official experiment but as a result of Dr. Grosser’s lunch routine. Although his daily doings with the microwave in Research and Development complex 2, Floor 2 were described by his colleagues as experiments.

Nobody could explain why exactly the Saag Paneer ended up in the microwave or why it did in-fact create a black hole but there was little to no time to find out as the scientist didn’t know how stable the black hole was or how long it would stay open, especially since precious time was already lost as Dr. Grosser first finished his lunch before telling anyone of the somewhat strange occurrence. Only Dr. Weißnitz secretly hoped that it would stay there for long as the kitchen on the second floor was the only one where she could prepare her smoothies for a afternoon snack and she wouldn’t want to miss out on that, not even on this historic day.

“Well, we were wasting our time with that LHC,” exclaimed Dr. Weißnitz, “we should have just let Dr. Grosser run wild with his culinary expertise and we’d have had the black hole open two years ago!”
“Think of the use cases. We could use it as a trash chute and never have to take the trash out again! It’s even right by the sink, how convenient.”, Dr. Grosser highlighted. Weißnitz carefully moved closer to the gaping hole in the kitchen counter with a screwdriver in hand.

“Did anyone already drop something into it? Or did something fall into it?” she asked as she reached out and hovered the screw driver menacingly above it.
“No, nothing so far… but do you think it’s really a good idea to just drop a screw driver into it? Shouldn’t we send in probes first and maybe some friendly letters in case there’s life on the other end?”
“Dr. Biggert, what’s the worst that could happen? Hit some alien general in the head and lead to the destruction of earth? You’ve watched too many movies. It’ll probably end up somewhere in deep space far far away from any civilization.”, Weißnitz disputed and promptly dropped the screw driver into the black hole and listened for a plonk or a bing or something. But nothing seeped out of the black hole.

On the other side of the black hole the local government of Qŕneut was having it’s third annual meeting about the agriculture of the planet. Given that the planet consists 95% of stone and 5% of ice and the Qŕneuts general misunderstanding of agriculture it was already a heated argument even before any black holes appeared right above ministers Quaaathuns head. First the minister didn’t even notice it as he was busy choking the minister for trees and sunflowers because of the current tree statistic of 0. After some gasps and shocked looks above his head by the other ministers he slowly lifted his head to look straight into nothingness. It was a different nothingness from the nothingness you saw when you looked out of one of the windows of the building they were currently sitting in. The nothingness of Qŕneut was more a shade of grey and white while the nothingness above minister Quaaathun was more a shade of black. Completely black in fact.

Minister Quaaathun grunted in shock and grabbed his blaster which was always on his left belt side. Why exactly Quaaathuns needed a blaster as minister nobody could explain but nobody dared to question it because he obviously had a blaster and they didn’t.
A few moments later an orange plastic with a protruding metal bit fell out of the black hole (Qŕneuts don’t know what screwdrivers are as everything is bolted together) and struck Quaaathun directly in his 4th eye. Quaaathun wasn’t happy about this because he already lost one eye a few years ago in a tragic accident when he tried to bolt together two stones and as mentioned before Qŕneuts are generally really angry because of their agricultural situation. Quaaathun readied his blaster and fired straight into the black hole.

Qŕneuts blaster are usually quite weak and most of the time just chip away small stone pieces as they hit the vast stone land of Qŕneut. But something in the mix of the drywall in the kitchen of CERN reacted vigorously with the blaster shot.
Dr. Weißnitz would have complained about this detail to the company of the drywall if it wasn’t also incinerated approximately half a second later by the massive reaction of its own product. The destruction of earth took about 10 seconds total even though no one really stopped the time as most humans were busy with other things while their home planet was wiped off the face of the universe.